Radical Hospitality: How to Make Guests Feel at Home

by Alison Miller

I grew up surrounded by Academics--people with PhDs, big brains, and more that their fair share of self-absorption. Back in the 60's, fellow Academics would invite my parents to their "cocktail parties" and have conversations that ranged from the mundane to the incomprehensible.

On the surface, the goal of these gatherings appeared to be social. But there was always an undercurrent of professional competitiveness and jealousy that made these occasions stressful rather than enjoyable. No one tried to make their guests feel safe, cared about, and truly welcomed.

Learning the mechanics of how to entertain guests wasn't all that hard: I simply copied what others did. But I couldn't stop there. Even in my 20s as a young wife, I wanted my dinner and holiday parties to mean something to my guests. I wanted them to walk into my home and immediately feel a sense of relief, pleasure, safety...of belonging. I wasn't looking to impress my guests with flash. I wanted to envelop them in warmth and friendship.

In Genesis 18, Abraham rushes to welcome three weary strangers into his home on a very hot day. He provides them with water, lots of food, and a chance to rest in a safe place. Some interpret the three strangers as angels and others say they represent God. Either way, the message seems to be that everyone who comes into our home deserves to be treated with the greatest of kindness, respect, and generosity--the definition of what I call radical hospitality.

Other blogs address the food side of hosting and entertaining. I want to look at providing a place of comfort and reassurance for loved ones and guests to rest and recharge. Radical hospitality requires more than just putting a bowl of chips and dip on the table and making sure you have plenty of cold beer. It's providing emotional shelter from whatever storms each person is battling outside your doors. It's providing nourishment not just their bodies, but of their hearts and their souls.

Yep, it's a tall order, I know. So let's break it down a bit. The following is a list of nine small ways of providing some radical hospitality in your own home.

• Strive to be imperfect

  Surprised you with that one, didn't I? Striving for "perfection" actually creates a lot of anxiety and discomfort for both the host and the guest. If the home is "perfect," then the expectation is that everyone's behavior has to be "perfect," too--no dropped crumbs, no dishes in the sink...like being at an uptight mother-in-law's house! No, you want your place to communicate that in your home, it's safe to be yourself, that everyone can exhale and not have to perform. A home that feels lived-in, flexible, and human is far more comforting than one that feels carefully staged.

• Cleanliness, yes; sterility, no

  Yes, you want your home to be cozy and casual. But that doesn't mean it's OK to skip giving your place a good scrubbing before you entertain. A cared-for environment communicates respect and safety. Does that mean you have to take your drapes to the cleaners every time you have your friends over for a BBQ? Dust every surface? Rearrange your closets? Absolutely not. Waste of time. But having your guest bathroom be sparkling, the coffee table wiped down, and your countertops clean and uncluttered decrease visual noise. They remove friction. They give people permission to relax. Remember: the goal is warmth and comfort, not perfection.

  
  

• Small gestures with big impact

  A soft throw blanket placed over the back of the couch, offering a hot drink like tea, coffee, or hot chocolate, providing someone’s favorite snack, lighting a couple of candles before guests arrive — these are the small gestures that quietly communicate care and attention, that you have been looking forward to spending time with them.

  
  

• Spaces to gather and talk

  Unless the purpose of the gathering is specifically to watch a game or awards show together, make sure the seating is arranged toward one another. Grouping seats in 3s and 4s will encourage conversation, especially if they are in cozy corners, around a kitchen table, or near soft, intimate lighting. It invites guests to leave their burdens at the door and enjoy their time with others.

  
  

• Take the time for a genuine welcome

  As each guest comes to your door, stop what you're doing and physically go and greet them--even if the door is wide open and your guests walk in without ringing the doorbell. A wave from the kitchen might be OK if it's your sister who lives down the block. But starting off with a genuine, heartfelt welcome helps put your guests at ease. Walk to the door. Thank them for coming. Let them know where they can put their coat, where the guest bathroom is, and where the group is gathering, if it's not obvious. Maybe everyone is gathering in the basement for a game of darts. Maybe the group has already started gravitating to the backyard where the grill is. If your new arrival doesn't know everyone there, introduce them around so they can start to become part of the group. Radical hospitality begins with showing guests that their feelings and needs matter to you.

  
  

• Warm colors, gentle music, soft lighting

  Sensory details shape emotional atmosphere more than we often realize. Warmth in color, sound, and lighting helps the nervous system settle and relax. My favorite background music is instrumental bossa nova music (easily found on YouTube.). Avoid overhead lighting (too brassy) and stick to floor and table lamps. If it's an evening event, clusters of battery operated votive candles placed on mantles and shelves can really add to the atmosphere (safely!)

  
  

• Subtle signals giving permission to stay

  Comfortable seating, unhurried conversation, offering a second cup of coffee, bringing out a plate of cookies or mini desserts all help to communicate that there is no time table in your home. But there are also two big things to avoid if you want to keep things relaxed: #1 is to never look at your watch or the clock in front of your guests (we all recognize that as the host's cue that it's time to leave!) and #2 is to never, EVER start cleaning up until your guests have gone. Nothing will kill a really enjoyable conversation faster than having someone clear your glass and plate mid-sentence!

  
  

• Seasonal touches

  Seasonal décor creates a sense of rhythm, grounding, and continuity. Capturing the changing natural world outside is a lovely touch and provides a reminder that your home will safely shelter and protect your guests from whatever might be blowin' in the wind...in all its formats!

  
  

• Handmade art and objects that bring a sense of love, hope, and reassurance

  Handmade objects carry a human energy--an emotional imprint-- that mass-produced items simply cannot provide. Ever. Mass-produced home decor may literally fill a an empty space, but it can never fill an empty heart. Every handmade object has a human story behind it. It was designed with thought, created with intention, and crafted with care by someone who wanted to express something, share something, important to them. Handmade art keeps us connected in a uniquely tribal way.

  
  

For more home decor ideas that will help you create your own sense of radical hospitality, check out my new website at gimmeasignstudios.com.